There's this phenomenon in life, I've noticed, where you can't help but look around and note those ahead of you. Maybe it's financially. It seems by the homes, wardrobes, and vacations of strangers and acquaintances that they absolutely have more money. Or maybe it's career. Perhaps your friends from high school, or really good friends, have a nice title at the end of their name. Doctor, Lawyer, Director, or just cut and paste any high earning field.
I've found that I don't care about these things (money and titles) when I'm truly happy. I only spiral when I've had a bad review, a set of unexpected bills, or a less than perfect grade. It is then I question all aspects of my life. "Why didn't I choose 'x' career," "Why didn't I work harder," "Why am I such a loser"(yikes). Why do I care so much?
It's funny. When we leave our previous life-that of childhood under the wing of our parents-we tend to look to someone or something to validate us. Formerly, this was the job of our care-givers. They set the standard of success. We looked to them to get a "thumbs-up" an "attagirl"or a good old fashioned "you're doing great sweetie." Now as adults we look to our peers to validate our life decisions.
With this phenomenon of looking around, there's a tendency to feel some type of way --Behind.
Trophies, Praise and Personhood
Where did this come from? Who told us (it can't just be me) that life is a race? Here's my theory-wrapped in one particular antidote: trophies.
I won a lot of trophies as a kid. Not to brag, but I was abnormally gifted in the realm of drawing from ages 4-10, and people made sure to tell me. I actually won a 5 speed bike from a local drawing competition (along with a swanky trophy of course) in 2007. I won a lot of ribbons too. I won best of show two years in a row in our local West Texas Fair for art. On top of that, I was dedicated to two very competitive sports, basketball and gymnastics. These experiences taught me to win. What's more, it taught me "I am a winner." Of course, this is problematic for a number of reasons. First of all, if you lose, are you now a loser?
With this, I have a hot take: participation trophies aren't that bad. This all relates to feeling behind, I promise! In a moment I will explain why. But first, let's unpack this one thing...
Is this Enough?
The previous generation has some choice words about children who receive participation trophies. The "quiet part" is that if children receive trophies for losing, they will certainly become entitled, weak, even bratty. In fact, they won't work hard for anything at all, ever. This assertion is wildly untrue (do you really think a little praise will ruin a child's adult future?) but this definitely underscores the extreme value of winning in our culture.
But also, let's think for a minute about this trophy thing. What are we teaching kids when we say that just being here isn't enough? Little minds might perceive the notion of winning the wrong way. In making children compete, and NOT allowing any sort of positive feedback (a trophy, an ice cream, a "good job!") EVEN when we lose, we are quite literally training children to believe that the only time you receive praise, validation, or recognition in life is when you win. No wonder I am so achievement driven! The only time I was seen as child was when I achieved!
Maybe this is the reason one might feel behind... this pressure to achieve. It's the positive feedback. What happened to the love of the game? What happened to fun? This, I believe, is why I'm in this special pickle. In order to be seen, I need to win. In order to matter, I have to achieve. In order to hear "atta-girl," I have to cross that finish line first. This attitude is the problem: If you're not winning, you're losing. If you're not ahead, you're behind.
Winners and Losers
*personal moment of vulnerability here*
It's hard for me to disconnect losing from the loss of my inherent value. This is my own unhealthy obsession with achievement. It seems I need to win a trophy in order to supplement my self esteem. Forget fun. Forget fulfillment. I have to beat someone.
For what it's worth, this breads a whole other level of unhealthy attitudes. For example, two people can't win. One is the winner and the other is the loser. Someone has to lose in order to fill the other's emotional cup. Turns out, life is actually not a competition and I can fill my cup on my own.
The Entirely Unfair '30 Under 30' Gifted Child Pipeline
This attitude is so prevalent in the water we drink and air we breathe. I think this is why we try to "get ahead" in so many areas. We want to make the "30 under 30" list in our own social circle. This is more often than not, insurance for our fractured self esteem.
Maybe this is why millennials and gen z folks are flocking to therapy. And thank goodness! I think it's so sad that many of us live life believing we need to 'earn' our keep in this world. News flash: you don't have to 'earn' your keep in this world. You and I don't owe anyone anything in order to 'deserve' to live.
How Do We Fix This?
Whenever I feel behind, I simply turn around and look back: at everything I've done, at all the experiences I've had, everything I've overcome in my reasonably short life. Not because my accomplishments make me "better", but because I know I can overcome any obstacle or challenge set before me. That's personal power. It's a different spirit than "needing" to win. It's knowing that if you are in trouble, if you need to show up for yourself, you can and you will.
I've noticed this phenomenon in life, where you feel unbelievable about yourself when you stop looking around and start looking at your cat, a sunset, your husband, your mom or your sisters. I've noticed that all the things that really matter to me, don't matter much to others at all.
For example: This photograph of 5 year old Laura going to her first day of Kindergarten is not of value to most people. However, it is one of the few things that makes my little sister belt a huge belly laugh, one that brings her to tears in a matter of seconds. I think all of us should be more like this child ... unimpressed with everyone (especially my mom's digital camera), and unscathed by any comments regarding my JCPenny shoes or DIY bangs.
The laugh I get from this picture is invaluable.
You are not behind.
You just need to laugh a little... and remember what really matters.
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