Afraid

Can you remember your first moment in life where you felt a deep, visceral fear? I do. I was a six-year-old in a church basement during a tornado watch. That's not true. It was a tornado warning. Sirens. Pounding. Darkness. Shuffling feet in the basement of a (very small) Victory Baptist Church. Quite honestly, I don't remember where my parents were. All I recall is the fear. My blood pressure. My beating heart. Shivering (hard) when it wasn't cold. I was going to die, for sure. I felt like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, staring face first into the mouth of a raging tornado.

Fear is the underlining emotion that shaped my early, middle, and late childhood up until my early adulthood. Fear.

Why so afraid?

In recent months, I have been making an effort to find the source of this baseline fear. It could be the terrorism (literally) that occurred on September 11, 2001. That is one of my earliest memories. Strangely, I wasn't afraid. I was almost 4 when it happened, so it's safe to say I didn't quite understand.

Or maybe it was the terror of hearing that I would die in a burning hell fire if I didn't say twelve words the right way: "Jesus, I accept you into my heart as my Lord and Savior." Did I say it right? And by the way, I prayed that prayer many times over "just to be safe." It didn't make me feel safe at all.

Maybe it was the saturation and veneration of skinny, fit, sexualized women on magazine covers, catalogs, billboards, cover art, album covers, movie ads, and on the walls of the local mall. So this is what I will be when I grow up. It turns out I did not look like that, and I was horrified.

Perhaps it was the fear of gaining weight—and the fear of food. I told myself, If I want to look the way I am "supposed to," then I have to eat less. And frankly, develop weird eating habits that I read about in a blog in 2009. Diet or "wellness" culture was not very 'evidence-based' in 2009—at least not to the general public. But I'm getting off topic here.

Fear

I've learned to live in a fear state for most of my existence. I told myself, If I'm not afraid, how will I ever be motivated to accomplish anything? How will I ever get myself to study, to meal prep, to go to the gym, and to do the right thing?

What if it were possible to be motivated by something rather than fear? What if you could make meaningful change without living in terror? You can.

I believe many of us hold onto fear because of this notion—the false belief that fear will motivate you to accomplish your goals. I'm of the belief that this will rob you of your joy and burn you out.

So what can we do? Well, I would like to introduce to you a new idea, a word that I have chosen as my "guiding word" since the beginning of 2022: curiosity.

Not afraid, simply curious.

Here are some definitions of curiosity.

Oxford Languages. 

curiosity noun

1. a strong desire to know or learn something

Merriam Webster.

curiosity noun

1. marked by desire to investigate and learn

Urban dictionary. 

curiosity noun

1. something that kills cats

That last one was *mostly* for laughs. But curiosity can be quite polarizing. Many people tend to avoid being curious, largely because it has the potential to threaten one's way of life. Many of us have heard the old adage, "Curiosity killed the cat." Meaning, if you are too curious or too interested in how things work, you will experience consequences. The larger message here is don't ask questions. Don't see for yourself. Don't rock the boat.

On the other hand, entrepreneurs thrive on curiosity. It breeds innovation. It gave us the airplane, concrete, electricity, and even CHEESE! Go back to your nine-year-old self, or rather, your happiest childhood you. Little kids are shameless and fearless. They aren't aware of or concerned with social mores and folkways. They follow their gut. They also just got here. So naturally, they want to know how things work.

We can all learn from kids

Have you ever spent thirty minutes in a car with a four-year-old? Do you know how many questions they ask? Little kids want to know "why?" about everything. Imagine how great you would feel if you had no social anxiety, no shame, all your needs met, and a lust for life. That's being a kid.

I say that to say this: As an adult, you need to care for yourself and meet your own needs in the same way you would meet the needs of a small child. Once you care for yourself, making sure you are safe, warm, fed, rested, and loved, this natural "spark," this inherent curiosity, will begin to unfold and replace fear.

This is how I choose to live each day, but it is also how I set goals for myself. In choosing to be curious rather than afraid, I am choosing the most effective, sustainable way to make change in my life. Who would you rather listen to? Someone who says, "If you don't do the "x" thing, you will die and everyone will hate you," or someone who says, "What if you could do something really cool?" "What if things could be better?"

The latter is what I ask myself on the daily. And for what it's worth, I am much happier. I experience a peace that I have never experienced before. All because instead of catastrophizing, falling deep into comparison loops, internet stalking, body image spirals, or political rabbit holes, I simply chose a different adventure. I change my perspective. Fear will not change the outcome. But curiosity might.

A Lesson from Dorothy

What I have learned about fear in my years of grappling with it is that it's really a boogie man. It's not real. Fear often tells you, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." Just as in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and her friends, like you and me, are baffled when we see behind that thing. After setting out on this journey, this quest to confront our deepest fears (therapy or just growing up), we are met with a mirror. It's not some kind of terrible threat or danger; it's really you. Or, in Dorothy's case, the Wizard. A scared little man is trying to be bigger than he actually is.

It's okay to be afraid. But also, be curious. I heard a fabulous quote by James Stephens that's quite fitting. He said, "Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will." I believe this to be true. I also believe curiosity will not kill you (unlike the cat sentiment).

 

Fear can take you to some crazy places. Always remember to come back down to earth. Once you see behind the curtain, like Dorothy, take a deep breath (click your heels if you want!) and say, "There's no place like home." Return to the comfort of your warm, cozy bed and think about what crazy stunt life might pull next. *good luck life*