"Are You Happy?"

Have you ever looked someone straight in the face and asked, "Are you happy?"

It's a loaded question. Happy? How do you begin to describe the word equivalent time? Or air? Or Deja vu? It's difficult to describe. Well, it's difficult-times-ten when your boss asks you this at your end-of-the-year-review. "Are you happy here?" I got hot."Happy?" I thought to myself, "I don't think happiness is the point. What does 'happiness' matter when I have to house, clothe, and feed myself. I'm happy I'm employed?" "Yes. I'm happy." 

This is a question all of humankind has asked—one in which all of us fail to agree: what does it mean to be happy?

I have grown irritated with the number of people who poo-poo the value of "happiness" in the world. In recent years, I've noticed a resurgence in conservative values, especially those of the Stoic philosophers. For the Stoics, happiness is found in the three pillars of living: wisdom, self-control, and personal responsibility. Leave it to the Stoic to make happiness, oh, so serious. *thanks Marcus Aurelius* 

I used to think it was noble to pursue duty in light of happiness. With every decision I made, I psycho-analyzed myself to make sure my intentions were good. "Is this wise? Am I setting a good example? Am I being responsible? I never thought to ask myself, "Will this make me happy?"

When I believed duty superseded happiness, I cried more, did less, and was afraid constantly. I ate food—not for the taste but for pure function. You may not think happiness matters much, especially if you were like me, wondering how in the heck you were going to eat. However, I will be shocked if you believe "unhappiness" doesn't matter.

It's interesting. Most people could not tell you if they are happy. Try it—they will probably give you a diplomatic, polite (fake) answer. Most people, however—your mom, a stranger, or a child—will certainly tell you if they are unhappy.

For much of my life, I've tried my hand at "being happy." And, for much of my life, I was in a pretty bad place. When someone tells you to "choose happiness" in the depths of depression, it feels like sticking a square rod into a round hole. Because of this slippery phenomenon, more recently, I have changed my focus. Now my goal isn't to be "happy." Rather, I want to be less unhappy. 

And you wouldn't believe it. It worked. 

Less Unhappy

I think we established that it is easier to identify the "unhappy" in our lives. That is exactly why I am choosing this formula. So, what would happen if we created a life for ourselves that eliminated the "unhappy"? Will eliminating the "unhappy" inevitably lead to "happy"?

Let me tell you a story.

Just this weekend, I took the biggest test of my life. A test that would determine whether or not I could continue my master's degree. I had already invested 18 credits and 1,000 x that in dollars. If I did not pass, I would lose valuable time and money. Strangely, I had to plan my last two semesters as if I would pass this test. It's a special Jedi mind trick when you are required to plan the outcome of your seemingly insurmountable victory. I signed up for my last three major courses with flashcards in hand. 

Taking the test was a journey in itself. When I submitted my work, I hit "send," knowing I followed all the requirements and got everything right, aside from one slide where the date was off by 100 years. As I walked into the kitchen, anxiously awaiting my grade, I decided to "try on" the types of emotions I might feel if I passed. What would I feel? Well, of course, I would be ecstatic! Amazed! Thrilled! This is the one place I have been fixing my attention for weeks, maybe months. 

Then another thought entered my mind. I froze mid-breath. If I'm not happy now, I never will be. This test is no magic pill, nor is my master's degree. Passing would feel great, but in that moment, I felt I could not celebrate until the grades were in. My happiness was in limbo. So, in that moment, I decided to be happy, specifically for this reason. If I'm not happy without the grade (without the master's degree, the job, the body, accolades, the husband, pets, or children), I won't be happy with it. 

The Unfortunate Truth

I hate to break it to you, but unhappiness will personalize itself to your unique circumstances. Mine just happened to be wrapped up in the results of my very important test. Strangely, the way we get to "happiness" is as intangible as happiness itself.

Happiness is a lot like a mirage. It's this optical phenomenon that bends reality as you walk (or sprint) your path. It requires that you move the goalpost to continue walking (or, in my case, running). Maybe happiness is not found at the end of this path—at the end of a metaphorical mirage or a really important test. Perhaps happiness is found in every breath . . . not the flickering lights at the end of a runway. 

How?

How do you eliminate the unhappy in your life? You decide what matters and do only that. And often, what matters is hard. You do the hard thing—a test, a move, a pregnancy, a race. You sit in the moment of the hard thing and eliminate the stuff that doesn't matter. For me, it's my couch, my home decor, and the grocery stores I frequent. That does not matter to me as much as family, education, painting, and travel. I heard a wise saying once . . . that happiness is not getting more of what you want, but wanting more of what you have. What it really comes down to is this. . . the proper spelling of "happy" h-a-p-p-y, is actually "enough" e-n-o-u-g-h. 

I am enough. 

This is enough. 

I am enough to quit my job, to do work that's fulfilling, and surround myself with things that matter to me. 

Breathe

Remember how I spoke of happiness? How it's the word equivalent of air? The more I think about it, the more true it seems. Happiness is as elusive as a mirage and as present as air. If you choose to chase it, it disappears. If, instead, you breathe it, it fills your lungs. 

If you still don't believe me and insist that happiness is unimportant—that it is somehow pompous and juvenile or lacking in virtue—I will ask you this: when is the last time you regretted a smile? Further, when was the last time you regretted the smile of a loved one?

Choose to be less unhappy. Choose the choices that create more smiles, your own and others. It really works, unlike Marcus Aurelius who never smiled once.