Finding my Happiness

Here are some life lessons, along with some harmful beliefs that I internalized over the course of my youth. These lessons came largely from the real or perceived teachings (you decide) of Evangelical Christianity.

Before you make assumptions: I am not an atheist and do not believe organized religion is inherently bad. I am merely a person who has experienced a slew of health issues, ones that have brought a series of hospitalizations that carried over from the age of 13 up until my early twenties. This is not a dig at faith, at least not in the way you think.

If you happen to know me (or even if you don't) you may wonder why I am putting these words out in this way. You see, I only recently have come to find peace and happiness in my life. After reflecting on my youth and revisiting old journals, I came to realize some things. These beliefs I upheld--whether accurately or properly received from Christian messages-- aided in my chronic anxiety, eating disorders, and later, a drug induced (all prescribed) nervous break down. 

Here, I am outlining these "truths" as food for thought. A cathartic healing journey for me mostly. 

But maybe, if Christians reflected on these words, we could overcome a number of mental health issues within our American churches, and maybe, just maybe, eliminate fear all together.

Here are the five things Christianity taught me.

1. Evangelical Christianity taught me that I shouldn't listen to my body; to deny my body, my needs, my hunger, my sense of safety, all for the sake of Christ. 

2. Christianity taught me that I am supposed to suffer. In fact, suffering is welcomed and encouraged. Happiness even, should not be pursued in light of its frivolity. Christianity taught me that somehow "happiness" is lacking in virtue. 

3. Christianity taught me that everything bad in my life is my fault, but everything good in my life is "of" and "from" God. It is not my doing, but solely God that "lets me" do and have nice things. 

Only God gets the credit for any of my success. But of course, if I mess up, I get all the blame, not God, to a crippling degree -- Christianity taught me I have no personal power or agency; that my destiny is fixed.

4. Christianity taught me that I am fundamentally broken, that there is nothing I can do to not be broken. Christianity taught me that there is always something wrong with me -- something to ask forgiveness for. 

5. Christianity taught me hyper-vigilance and anxiety. It taught me I was never ok, and I would never be ok. I am a debtor. I owe a monumental sum for a sacrifice I did not ask for, and therefore, should only accept breadcrumbs in my life. Why would I ask for more? I don't deserve anything. I am undeserving.

Here's what examining these doctrines taught me in adulthood.

1. I matter, not because of anyone else, not "in spite of", not because of something I did or didn't do, but simply because I am here. I matter because I am alive.

2. I deserve to be happy and feel at home in my body. Suffering is not noble or virtuous, in fact it is not necessary at all. I learned I deserve wellness.

3. I deserve to follow my dreams. I don't need to justify to anyone, even a higher power, why I should be "allowed" to pursue something I've always wanted in my heart -- I am deserving because I'm actually pretty awesome, and I actually believe that now. 

Ok, What Now?

Denying these internalized truths taught me that life happens now. Life is not about what happens when you die -- it is about what happens when you live. I value every day with so much respect and gratitude knowing that one day, it will be over. 

Again, I had a slew of health issues that brought me to a near death, even real death, experience. When I woke up in the hospital, I said to myself, "That wasn't so bad." 

With this, I eliminated the fear of death-- and even life. Hey, if I made it through something this bad, nothing could hurt me. I can do anything.

So, with this, I set out on a quest to enjoy the little things in life; the silly things, the unusual things, and the small pleasures that make up our world. This is when I decided three things: I am deserving. I matter. And I am enough. Despite what any institution or religion may teach you, I believe, without a doubt, these truths are universal. 

Life is a blessing, one with a shelf life. My new life truths have brought me to the place I am today. Healed, happy, and back to my joyful inner child.